Jasper
A Squirrel
As taken from
Remember, Sometimes the Dragon Wins.
© 1989 Jonathan Lowrie
1998 Xenea Publishing
Jasper
A Squirrel
He looked half dead, may be he was dead, but that minute detail
didn’t concern him right now. He wanted
to get out from the hole and gather his thoughts. It was just moments earlier that he had
fallen off the bridge into the gully. A damn fall, he might add. Nearly 30
feet, all tumbling through the air, over and over, and then- Wham! All this
while watching a baby run from her mother.
He didn’t mean to fall off the bridge, it just kinda happened. It was probably that last scotch on the rocks
he thinks he consumed at lunch earlier. Or maybe it was a case of bad nuts. It
all seemed so fuzzy these days, it was hard to remember if he was even coming
or going. After he got up, he looked
around to make sure he had not made a spectacle of himself. He had not.
Climbing up the steep dirt walls, he thought how lucky it was that he
didn’t make a spectacle of himself.
Another alarming thought was drawing too much attention to himself. That
just would not do.
Jasper continued his
quest, or what normal people would call a walk.
The difference between Jasper and normal people is that Jasper was not
normal. Ever since he was a kid, Jasper
was considered weird. With a name like
Jasper, what would you expect? The universe can be a cruel place, naming kids things
like Almelda, Eunice, and even Jasper. From the start, poor Jasper had 3 and
1/2 strikes against him.
His quest brought
him to Main Street. It was here at the
corner of Main street and Second Avenue that Jasper seemed to realize that he
didn’t belong here. He saw men and women
in business suits, pretzel vendors, and the ever so present corner drug
dealer. People were milling about, some
chatting about the baseball game, other pondering the latest technology stocks
on Wall Street. Of course, Jasper overhead this, and wanted to add that in the
next 10 years, technology stocks would soar, but he quietly demurred. While
Jasper was pondering the situation, a dealer came up to him trying to pedal
some of his wares. The dealer said he
could get some for twenty. Jasper
thought it sounded like a good idea. Japser certainly wasn’t feeling terribly
well today, and maybe today was a day to begin experimenting a little. Live
life dangerously as his motto used to be. He vaguely remembers something about
watching for cars and living dangerously.
He pulled out an old grungy bag of sunflower seeds and handed the man
twenty of them. The dealer knocked them
out of his hand and continued down the street to his next sale, mumbling
something about loonies loose on the streets.
Jasper then saw the
little gray squirrel and continued his quest.
The pretzel vendor walked away telling people to stay away from that
crazy dude on the corner. As Jasper was
walking, he fell again.
This time he woke up
in his office. He was slumped down on a
big oak desk next to a cup of black coffee.
Chester, his real name, had fallen asleep on the job. He had been working all night to catch up
after his trip to Florida. He sat back
and stared out his window. It was then
he noticed the gray squirrel eating a turkey sandwich. Now Chester had seen many a squirrel in his
time (about forty six years?) and plenty of them had been gray. But never in his life had he seen one eating
a turkey sandwich! Yet to his dismay,
this squirrel just stared at him, with his red picnic polka dotted napkin, and
munched his sandwich. The squirrel was
now close enough so Chester could see that it was a turkey sandwich with extra
mayo and some lettuce. Chester now began
to question his sanity, not that it needed much question. He had a decent job,
had two eyes, two hands and working fingers. He knew it was June, and what more
did he need to be sane? Then the squirrel popped open a Diet Pepsi and took a
few swigs. He realized this was no dream
when his cold coffee tasted like the fresh, his wife always made in the
morning. He didn’t know what to do. He was working in the early pre dawn hours of
the night and had a god damned squirrel eating a turkey sandwich of all things
right in front of him.
His first order of
business would be to get a bite to eat for himself. Watching a squirrel eat can really make a guy
hungry. Chester soon realized that he
had nothing in the office, and no change left for the vending machine. What the
hell he thought, it was not as if the day had not already been pretty unusual.
Chester figured it was worth a shot to invite his breakfast guest in for a
while.
He slowly opened the
window, and the squirrel slinked back.
Chester felt like such an idiot, but invited the squirrel in for a chat.
To think that a business man in his 40’s leaning out of a second story office
window and inviting a squirrel to lunch. His associates would have him
committed on the spot. However, Chester had not been feeling to benevolent
towards any co-workers, so a little eccentricity might be just what the old Doc
ordered. Chester went ahead and asked the squirrel in to share a bite of lunch.
Jasper said gladly and hoped right into the room, passing over the shocked
man. It took Chester a great deal of
time to comprehend the notion he was talking to a furry little squirrel. Now Jasper, the squirrel’s name was becoming
impatient.
Jasper was not the
type of squirrel one wanted to keep waiting.
He had no patience at all. In fact, most squirrels have little patience.
They have a busy schedule. Collect nuts, forage for nuts, hide nuts. Remember where
nuts were collected, foraged and hidden, and they do this all before winter.
So, chitchatting with a human, and dillydallying for lunch was not in Jaspers
appointment book. Once Chester had regained his wits, he wanted to know why the
squirrel had picked a turkey sandwich.
Jasper’s reply was along the lines fat and cholesterol; Chester didn’t
catch the rest. Chester had no idea what
to do with an intelligent squirrel, he actually thought this creature had more
smarts than his dumb cousin from Atlanta, however he would never tell his
mom. Come to think of it, this here
squirrel might just be smarter than most of his office. He often woke up with
the feeling of being surrounded by idiots.
Jasper and Chester
stayed talking through the early morning hours.
Chester found that Jasper had been watching his business dealings for
some time now, and told him he was doing it all wrong. Of course, Chester was not about to take any
talk from a squirrel, but in the end he did.
Jasper said he could do a much better job. The bottom line is that a squirrel gets around.
It sees and hears things, and as a stock broker, this was a valuable tool. Take
for instance technology stocks. You have a few big boys in the market- Apple,
IBM, Dell. They are gonna take off, and any tag along companies that jump in
with them, Jasper would say. Jasper also hinted that he had some ability to see
into the future as well, but Chester dismissed this as just a little too much.
Then Chester heard some of his fellow workers arriving at work. He politely told Jasper he would have to
go. This angered the squirrel, as he wanted an executive position. Jasper said he had a family to feed, and the
acorn situation was not so hot now. In
fact, acorns in the city had been scarce, and of lousy quality this season.
Chester refused, and was about to throw Jasper out when he slipped and hit his
head.
Chester woke
up. He didn’t know where he was. Then he realized he was in the large oak tree
outside the office. It was one of the few old trees along the avenue. A big
stout tree, with lots of branches and dense foliage. He also realized he was
about forty feet up into said Oak tree.
His mind casually mentioned the fact that he was a squirrel. It took Chester a whole ten seconds to
realize what his brain meant. When you spend your entire life thinking as a 6
foot tall bipedal, the fast reaction times of your typical 12 inch squirrel can
confound the processors in the brain.
Then he screamed, only thing is that what actually came out was more
like a squeak. Chester was now very
upset and angry, he would kill Jasper if he could get his hands, uh, paws on
him. Then Chester saw that Jasper was in
his body working comfortably in his office.
Chester was going to
get him. This was ludicrous. He was a man, not a squirrel. He was a successful
stockbroker, and he drove a BMW, and he was even set up for a date this Friday
night. He had it all, and now he was getting excited about acorns and
seeds. He waited outside the car that he
used to be able to drive and waited.
About eight hours later, Jasper came into the garage. Chester jumped out
to confront Jasper, but it was too late.
The car was already started.
Again, the translation between two and four legs got in the way, and
Chester found himself in a tangled mess of appendages before he could figure
out how to work them all.
Splat!!!!
Jasper now thought
he would have no problem getting that executive officer job downtown.
No comments:
Post a Comment