Saturday, March 30, 2013

Jasper - A Squirrel


Jasper
A Squirrel
As taken from
Remember, Sometimes the Dragon Wins.
© 1989 Jonathan Lowrie
1998 Xenea Publishing


Jasper

A Squirrel

      
       He looked half dead, may be he was dead, but that minute detail didn’t concern him right now.  He wanted to get out from the hole and gather his thoughts.  It was just moments earlier that he had fallen off the bridge into the gully. A damn fall, he might add. Nearly 30 feet, all tumbling through the air, over and over, and then- Wham! All this while watching a baby run from her mother.  He didn’t mean to fall off the bridge, it just kinda happened.  It was probably that last scotch on the rocks he thinks he consumed at lunch earlier. Or maybe it was a case of bad nuts. It all seemed so fuzzy these days, it was hard to remember if he was even coming or going.  After he got up, he looked around to make sure he had not made a spectacle of himself.  He had not.  Climbing up the steep dirt walls, he thought how lucky it was that he didn’t make a spectacle of himself.  Another alarming thought was drawing too much attention to himself. That just would not do.

         Jasper continued his quest, or what normal people would call a walk.  The difference between Jasper and normal people is that Jasper was not normal.  Ever since he was a kid, Jasper was considered weird.  With a name like Jasper, what would you expect? The universe can be a cruel place, naming kids things like Almelda, Eunice, and even Jasper. From the start, poor Jasper had 3 and 1/2 strikes against him. 

         His quest brought him to Main Street.  It was here at the corner of Main street and Second Avenue that Jasper seemed to realize that he didn’t belong here.  He saw men and women in business suits, pretzel vendors, and the ever so present corner drug dealer.  People were milling about, some chatting about the baseball game, other pondering the latest technology stocks on Wall Street. Of course, Jasper overhead this, and wanted to add that in the next 10 years, technology stocks would soar, but he quietly demurred. While Jasper was pondering the situation, a dealer came up to him trying to pedal some of his wares.  The dealer said he could get some for twenty.  Jasper thought it sounded like a good idea. Japser certainly wasn’t feeling terribly well today, and maybe today was a day to begin experimenting a little. Live life dangerously as his motto used to be. He vaguely remembers something about watching for cars and living dangerously.  He pulled out an old grungy bag of sunflower seeds and handed the man twenty of them.  The dealer knocked them out of his hand and continued down the street to his next sale, mumbling something about loonies loose on the streets. 

         Jasper then saw the little gray squirrel and continued his quest.  The pretzel vendor walked away telling people to stay away from that crazy dude on the corner.  As Jasper was walking, he fell again. 

         This time he woke up in his office.  He was slumped down on a big oak desk next to a cup of black coffee.  Chester, his real name, had fallen asleep on the job.  He had been working all night to catch up after his trip to Florida.  He sat back and stared out his window.  It was then he noticed the gray squirrel eating a turkey sandwich.  Now Chester had seen many a squirrel in his time (about forty six years?) and plenty of them had been gray.  But never in his life had he seen one eating a turkey sandwich!  Yet to his dismay, this squirrel just stared at him, with his red picnic polka dotted napkin, and munched his sandwich.  The squirrel was now close enough so Chester could see that it was a turkey sandwich with extra mayo and some lettuce.  Chester now began to question his sanity, not that it needed much question. He had a decent job, had two eyes, two hands and working fingers. He knew it was June, and what more did he need to be sane? Then the squirrel popped open a Diet Pepsi and took a few swigs.  He realized this was no dream when his cold coffee tasted like the fresh, his wife always made in the morning.  He didn’t know what to do.  He was working in the early pre dawn hours of the night and had a god damned squirrel eating a turkey sandwich of all things right in front of him. 
        
         His first order of business would be to get a bite to eat for himself.  Watching a squirrel eat can really make a guy hungry.  Chester soon realized that he had nothing in the office, and no change left for the vending machine. What the hell he thought, it was not as if the day had not already been pretty unusual. Chester figured it was worth a shot to invite his breakfast guest in for a while. 

         He slowly opened the window, and the squirrel slinked back.  Chester felt like such an idiot, but invited the squirrel in for a chat. To think that a business man in his 40’s leaning out of a second story office window and inviting a squirrel to lunch. His associates would have him committed on the spot. However, Chester had not been feeling to benevolent towards any co-workers, so a little eccentricity might be just what the old Doc ordered. Chester went ahead and asked the squirrel in to share a bite of lunch. Jasper said gladly and hoped right into the room, passing over the shocked man.  It took Chester a great deal of time to comprehend the notion he was talking to a furry little squirrel.  Now Jasper, the squirrel’s name was becoming impatient. 

         Jasper was not the type of squirrel one wanted to keep waiting.  He had no patience at all. In fact, most squirrels have little patience. They have a busy schedule. Collect nuts, forage for nuts, hide nuts. Remember where nuts were collected, foraged and hidden, and they do this all before winter. So, chitchatting with a human, and dillydallying for lunch was not in Jaspers appointment book. Once Chester had regained his wits, he wanted to know why the squirrel had picked a turkey sandwich.  Jasper’s reply was along the lines fat and cholesterol; Chester didn’t catch the rest.  Chester had no idea what to do with an intelligent squirrel, he actually thought this creature had more smarts than his dumb cousin from Atlanta, however he would never tell his mom.  Come to think of it, this here squirrel might just be smarter than most of his office. He often woke up with the feeling of being surrounded by idiots.

         Jasper and Chester stayed talking through the early morning hours.  Chester found that Jasper had been watching his business dealings for some time now, and told him he was doing it all wrong.  Of course, Chester was not about to take any talk from a squirrel, but in the end he did.  Jasper said he could do a much better job.  The bottom line is that a squirrel gets around. It sees and hears things, and as a stock broker, this was a valuable tool. Take for instance technology stocks. You have a few big boys in the market- Apple, IBM, Dell. They are gonna take off, and any tag along companies that jump in with them, Jasper would say. Jasper also hinted that he had some ability to see into the future as well, but Chester dismissed this as just a little too much. Then Chester heard some of his fellow workers arriving at work.  He politely told Jasper he would have to go.  This angered the squirrel, as  he wanted an executive position.  Jasper said he had a family to feed, and the acorn situation was not so hot now.  In fact, acorns in the city had been scarce, and of lousy quality this season. Chester refused, and was about to throw Jasper out when he slipped and hit his head. 

         Chester woke up.  He didn’t know where he was.  Then he realized he was in the large oak tree outside the office. It was one of the few old trees along the avenue. A big stout tree, with lots of branches and dense foliage. He also realized he was about forty feet up into said Oak tree.  His mind casually mentioned the fact that he was a squirrel.  It took Chester a whole ten seconds to realize what his brain meant. When you spend your entire life thinking as a 6 foot tall bipedal, the fast reaction times of your typical 12 inch squirrel can confound the processors in the brain.  Then he screamed, only thing is that what actually came out was more like a squeak.  Chester was now very upset and angry, he would kill Jasper if he could get his hands, uh, paws on him.  Then Chester saw that Jasper was in his body working comfortably in his office. 

         Chester was going to get him. This was ludicrous. He was a man, not a squirrel. He was a successful stockbroker, and he drove a BMW, and he was even set up for a date this Friday night. He had it all, and now he was getting excited about acorns and seeds.  He waited outside the car that he used to be able to drive and waited.  About eight hours later, Jasper came into the garage. Chester jumped out to confront Jasper, but it was too late.  The car was already started.  Again, the translation between two and four legs got in the way, and Chester found himself in a tangled mess of appendages before he could figure out how to work them all.

         Splat!!!!

         Jasper now thought he would have no problem getting that executive officer job downtown.     


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